Divorce Rates on the Rise?

There are many forums on the Internet that support South Asian communities and their search to connect with other South Asians anonymously to seek advice of various life issues. I visit such forums regularly and without attaching a name to a face, I see what some Indians are going through and where their struggles lie. I anonymously meet many Indian gays and lesbians, Indians in multi-cultural relationships, Indians struggling with caste issues and lately, I have been seeing quite a few Indians dealing with divorce. I remember a few years ago, when I was on an Indian dating Web site, there were maybe 4 or 5 divorced men on the site. Now, just a few years later, a quick search for divorced men brought up about 30 matches. Is divorce on the rise, or are divorcees coming out of hiding?

I read a conversation online about an Indian couple where an Indian girl was in love with an Indian man who was divorced. The girl's parents were displeased to say the least and both were on this forum posting messages about the pain and struggles they were going through. As with any Indian forum, it can be expected that some individuals were very supportive, and others were hurtful. Some people felt that the woman would appear tarnished if she married a man who was previously married and that the man is not really as much of a man if he is divorced. If he divorced one woman, the perception is that he could divorce many. When the going gets tough, the view is that the divorced man will be the first one out the door. Everyone knows that marriage takes a lot of work and perseverance.

Some other men came forward to share their experiences with divorce and they indicated that in some situations, the marriage was a mistake from the beginning. Maybe the marriage was arranged, or maybe the choice was made in response to family pressures to marry a certain type of person. Whatever the situation may be, considering the pressures within the Indian community when it comes to divorce, I think that both individuals within the marriage would go through an incredible learning experience when it comes to relationships, and it is my opinion that divorced men and women would be a little more secure in their future relationships because they know what they want and they definitely know what they do not want. I think that they learn from their mistakes and the next person they choose to settle down with would benefit from the lessons learned from the previous marriage. Most of the divorcees on this particular site were pretty consistent in the fact that they maintained good relationships with their ex-spouses. I think that divorce is a slightly different animal in our community than it might be in American culture so it is a little presumptuous for us to view Indian divorces through the same lens as American divorces. I don't know if Indian divorces are based on gold-digging women and sex-crazed men.

Some Indian people are very judgmental, especially when they are looking at divorced individuals. I wish they would consider the fact that some divorced men would make better husbands than many of the model Indian men out there in the marriage market. I know, because I have met both in the course of my lifetime. Let's face it, finding an Indian man from a good family background who is attractive and a med school graduate is not all too difficult to find. But the fact of the matter of is that 99% of these men (from my experiences) have serious attitude and arrogance issues because somewhere they were led to believe that the sun and moon revolve around them. Sure I could find a man that looks good on paper, but I can't live with a man like that. Divorce can be a very humbling experience that really allows for reflection of what is important in life. I really believe that divorce in our community could be an asset to a person. We need to not be so judgmental and as with anything else that we deal with in our community that we do not really know a whole lot about, the key is to listen. By listening, we will find ourselves learning.